This collection of jokes was collected from various sources.

A guy is having marital problems. He and the wife are not communicating at all and he's lonesome, so he goes to a pet store thinking a pet might help. The store he happened into specialized in parrots. As he wanders down the rows of parrots he notices one with no feet. Surprised, he mutters, "I wonder how he hangs onto the perch?" The parrot says, "With my penis, you dummy."
The guy is startled and says, "You certainly talk well for a parrot." The parrot says "Of course, I'm a very well educated parrot. I can discuss politics, sports, religion, most any subject you wish." The guy says "Gee, you sound like just what I was looking for." The parrot says "There's not much of a market for maimed parrots. If you offer the proprietor $20 for me, I'll bet he'll sell me."
The guy buys the parrot and for three months things go great. When he comes home from work the parrot tells him Clinton said this, the A's won, the Giants lost, the pope did so and so. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot waves a wing at him and says, "Come in and shut the door." The guy says, "What's up?" The parrot says, "I don't know how to tell you this, but the mailman came today. Your wife answered the door in her negligee and he kissed her right on the lips."
The guy says, "Oh, a momentary flight of passion."
The parrot says, "Well, maybe, but then he fondled her breasts."
The guy says, "He did??"
The parrot says, "Yes. Then he pulled her negligee down and started sucking on her breasts."
The guy says, "My God, what happened next?!?"
The parrot says, "I don't know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch."

A penguin was driving through the desert when his car broke down. He waddled to the nearest phone to call the AA. His car was quickly towed to the nearest garage where the mechanic told him he would need a couple of hours to check out the car. The penguin, being a good natured bird, didn't complain but wondered off to find the closest supermarket.
He proceeded to the frozen foods section and hung out near the fish sticks. After an hour he got in the freezer next to the vanilla ice cream and ate several gallons. Then he saw the time and went back to the garage covered in ice cream.
The mechanic walked over to him wiping his hands and shaking his head saying, "It looks like you blew a seal."
Blushing, the penguin said, "Oh no! It's just ice cream."

Three nuns passed every day through a street that led them from Church to a Reformatory. They noticed a parrot that stood at the entrance of a big residential house. Every time they passed in front of that house, the bird would pronounce three sequential colors. One day, they heard "yellow, blue, black." One of the nuns noticed that those colors perfectly matched the colors of their underwear. She mentioned her discovery to the other two nuns, but both were reluctant to believe that could be possible.

The next day, they all wore black underwear and passed in front of the house, and very precisely the parrot spoke, "black, black, black." Hearing that, the three nuns were astonished!!. One of the nuns spoke up: "Girls, tomorrow we are going to trick that bird." that, she recommended that the next day, none of them should be wearing any underwear under their vestments. Respecting their agreement, the next day they wore no underwear, and proceeded to pass in front of the parrot's house.

They peeked at the bird. At the beginning, the parrot looked a bit puzzled, he swung back and forth on the cane he was perched on. Then, after a while, the Parrot spoke:

"Straight, Straight, Curly!"

A woman gets up, puts up the shade, takes the cover off the parrot's cage, makes coffee, and has a cigarette. Suddenly the phone rings. Her boyfriend is coming over. She puts out the
cigarette, pulls down the shade, puts the cover back on the parrot's
cage, and gets back into bed.
The parrot, from under the cloth, "Well that was a short freakin' day!"

This woman's husband died at sea and she received his parrot as the only possession by which to remember him. Even though it was foul-mouthed, she put up with it for sentimental reasons. After several unsuccessful months of trying to coerce the parrot to change his "sailor" ways, she finally issued him an ultimatum,
"I'm having the bridge club over today and if one swear word is heard in the room, I'm going to feed you to the cat!"
The parrot mulled this over and decided he had better start reforming or he was soon to become kitty fare. Later that day, the ladies started showing up. Unfortunately, one very large, elderly, snobbish-type woman sat down right by the corner where the parrot's cage was. After a few hands of cards, there was a refreshment break and the conversation really started getting heavy. The parrot didn't care much for the conversation or the attitude of the lady. The more she talked, the more he got these twinges to do something to get rid of her. Finally the parrot had it and piped up with,
"Whore boat leavin' for China at two o'clock!"
The woman looked up and said, "Well! I never!" then she stood up and headed for the door.
Everyone is frozen in their seats when the parrot yelled after her,
"Hey! Where are you goin'? Boat don't leave till two!"

A woman brings a Parrot home from the pet store and names it Fred. One afternoon the bird begins to talk and says,

"Fuck You, Fuck You."

The lady is shocked and calmly tells the bird that it is not nice to swear. She further warns that if he persist she will have to take more drastic action. Several days go by and the bird continues to curse her.

One afternoon when the lady has company, Fred begins his usual stuff and the lady looses her temper and throws him in the freezer. Several hours pass before the lady remembers what she had done. She quickly takes him out and puts him down on the table.

Fred is just shivering and almost Frozen solid. After warming up a while the lady asked Fred, "Have you learned your lesson?"

Fred shivers and says, "Yes, but just one question. What in the hell did that turkey in there say?"

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot in a pet store. The parrot squawked at her,
"Hey lady, you are REALLY ugly!"
As you can well imagine, the lady was furious! She stormed past the store to her job. On the way home she saw the same parrot in the window and he boomed,
"Hey lady, you are REALLY ugly!"
Well, she was incredibly ticked now. The next day the same thing,
"Hey lady, you are REALLY ugly!"
She became so incensed that she barreled into the store and screamed that she would sue the store and single-handedly kill the bird. The store manager tried to placate her and promised that the parrot would never say it again. When the lady walked past the store after work the parrot looked at her, blinked and said, "Hey lady." She paused and said,
"Yes?" and the bird said, "You know!"

A honeymooning couple had purchased a talking parrot and taken it to their room where, much to the groom's annoyance, the bird kept up a running commentary on their lovemaking. Finally the groom threw a large towel over the cage and threatened to give the parrot to the zoo if he didn't quit it.
The next morning while packing to return home, the couple couldn't close a large suitcase. The groom said, "Darling, you get on top and I'll try." That didn't work. Figuring they needed more weight on the lid, she said, "Sweetheart, you get on top and I'll try." There was still no success.
Then he said, "Look. Let's both get on top and try." At that point the parrot pulled away the towel with his beak and said, "Zoo or no zoo, this, I gotta see!"

A guy takes his parrot to the vets.
He says, "Doc, I know this will be hard to believe, but I think my parrot is horny."
"Horny?" asks the vet. "How can you tell?"
"I wanna get laid! I wanna get laid!" the parrot starts squawking.
The vet says, "I guess he is horny. For fifty dollars, I have a female parrot. I'll put her in the cage with your bird."
The parrot says, "Pay him, pay him!"
The owner gives the vet the fifty bucks. The vet takes the female parrot and puts it inside the cage with the horny male parrot, then covers the cage. Moments later, there is squawking and feathers are flying everywhere. The vet lifts the cover from the cage. Inside, the male parrot holds the female parrot down with one claw and is ripping out her feathers with the other.
The male parrot is screeching, "For fifty bucks, I want you naked!"

When a rundown section of town was condemned, the goods from its various buildings were sold. This included a parrot, who ended up in an exclusive pet store and was sold to an older woman. Despite every effort the woman was unable to get the parrot to talk. She coaxed it, offered it crackers, but the bird wouldn't say a word.
One night, the woman's bridge club was playing at her home, and the conversation turned to the comfort of their respective panty hose. Deciding to check the labels, they hitched up their dresses.
"Finally," the bird squawked, "home sweet home. Now will one of you whores gimme a smoke?"

Elderly lady buys a pair of parrots, but cannot identify their sexes. She calls the shop, and the man there advises her to watch them carefully and all would become clear in time. She spends weeks staring at the cage and eventually catches them doing what comes naturally. To make sure she doesn't get them mixed up again, she cuts out a ring from a piece of cardboard and puts it round the male parrot's neck.
A while later, the local priests visits the old lady. The male parrot takes one look at his dog collar, wolf whistles, and says, "I see she caught YOU at it, too."

A woman went into a pet shop and said to the man, "I want a parrot but sell me one that definitely talks." The man sold her a parrot, saying, "This one definitely talks." The woman took him home, set his cage up on a table and said to the parrot, "Ok, talk." The parrot said, "Show me your tits." The woman was outraged. So she put him in the refrigerator. After a while, she took him out and said, "So talk." Again, the parrot said, "Show me your tits."
The woman, to show the parrot his place, put him in the fridge for a longer time and the same thing happened. She was quite annoyed. This time she put him in the freezer. There was a turkey in the freezer. The parrot said to the turkey, "How did you get here? Did you ask for a blowjob?"

My neighbor bought an expensive South American parrot while on a trip there. I stood in front of the cage and said "Good Evening" in an attempt to get him to say it. The parrot answered "No hablo Ingles" Now when I go over there, the bird teaches me Spanish.

This guy goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. There he sees a parrot with a red string tied to its left leg and a green string tied to it's right leg. He asks the owner the significance of the strings.
"Well, this is a highly trained parrot. If you pull the red string he speaks French; if you pull the green string he speaks German," replies the shop keeper.
"And what happens if I pull both the strings?" our curious shopper inquires.
"I fall off my perch you fool!!" screeches the parrot.

This lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?' "
"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."
"Thank you!" the woman responded.
So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.
The lady puts her female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"

A selection of "quickies"

Q. Why are there no aspirins in the jungle?
A. Because the parrots ate 'em all !

Q. What do parrots have for breakfast?
A. Shredded Tweet !

Q: What does a parrot fill the cracks in a wall with?
A. Poly Filler !

Q. How does a parrot escape from an airplane?
A. Via a parrot-chute !

Q. Why are parrots clever?
A. Because they suc-seed

A man goes into a pet shop and asks the owner "can I have a parrot for my son?", to which the pet shop owner replies "sorry sir, we don't swap parrots for children"!

Owner - Have you got a cage?
Man - Yes
Owner - Have you got a ladder? Parrots like to climb a ladder to talk
Man - No, how much is that?
Owner - 1 pound
Man - OK I'll take one
1 week later, the man returns to the pet shop
Man - Hello - remember that parrot you sold me, well it doesn't talk
Owner - Have you got a cage?
Man - Yes
Owner - Have you got a ladder? Parrots like to climb a ladder to talk
Man - Yes
Owner - Have you got a bell? Parrots like to climb a ladder and ring a bell to talk
Man - No, how much is that?
Owner - 2 pounds
Man - OK I'll take one
1 week later, the man returns to the pet shop
Man - Hello - remember that parrot you sold me, well it doesn't talk
Owner - Have you got a cage?
Man - Yes
Owner - Have you got a ladder? Parrots like to climb a ladder to talk
Man - Yes
Owner - Have you got a bell? Parrots like to climb a ladder and ring a bell to talk
Man - Yes
Owner - Have you got a mirror? Parrots like to climb a ladder, ring a bell and look in a mirror to talk
Man - No, how much is that?
Owner - 3 pounds
Man - OK I'll take one
1 week later, the man returns to the pet shop
Man - Hello - remember that parrot you sold me?
Owner - Yes
Man - Well, it has died
Owner - Oh, I'm sorry. Did it ever talk?
Man - Yes, it said "doesn't that pet shop sell any bird seed?

One morning, before leaving for work, a man said to his parrot "If anyone calls, ask who it is. Oh and by the way the drains are blocked"
A short while later, there is a knock at the door.
Who is it - says the parrot
Its the plumber, I've come to mend the drains
Who is is - says the parrot
ITS THE PLUMBER, I'VE COME TO MEND THE DRAINS
Who is is - says the parrot
OH - NEVER MIND, I'LL COME BACK LATER
A short while later, there is a knock at the door.
Who is is - says the parrot
Its the plumber, I've come to mend the drains
Who is is - says the parrot
ITS THE PLUMBER, I'VE COME TO MEND THE DRAINS
Who is it - says the parrot
(The plumber is now getting rather fraught) ITS THE PLUMBER, I'VE COME TO MEND THE DRAINS
Who is it - says the parrot
OH - NEVER MIND, I'LL COME BACK LATER
A short while later, there is a knock at the door.
Who is is - says the parrot
Its the plumber, I've come to mend the drains
Who is is - says the parrot
ITS THE PLUMBER, I'VE COME TO MEND THE DRAINS
Who is it - says the parrot
(The plumber is now getting rather fraught) ITS THE PLUMBER, I'VE COME TO MEND THE DRAINS
Who is it - says the parrot
OH REALLY - ITS THE PLUMBER - I'VE COME TO MEND THE DRAINS
Who is it - says the parrot
(Guess what - yep - the plumber goes away and returns later, but keeps getting the same response. In fact he returns several times (but I've not got time to type it all in) and each time all the parrot says is "who is it"
The plumber is getting more and more frustrated. Unfortunately he is not a well man and the strain proves too much, with the result that rather sadly he collapses and dies on the doorstep.
Later, that evening, the man returns from work and sees the dead man on his door step
Who is it - says the man
Its the plumber, he's come to mend the drains - says the parrot!

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