Short Jokes Humour Page

Q. Did you hear about the circumciser who missed?
A. He got the sack.

Q: How does a blonde hold her liquor?
A: By the ears.

Q: How does a blonde get pregnant?
A: And I thought blondes were dumb!

Q: How do you tell when a blonde reaches orgasm?
A: Who cares?

Q: What two things in the air can get a blonde pregnant?
A: Her feet!

Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: You don't. They're born that way.

Q: How can you tell if a blonde has a vibrator?
A: By the chipped tooth.

Q: How is a blonde like a postage stamp?
A: You lick'em, stick'em, and send'em on their way

Q: Why do blondes drive cars with sunroofs?
A: More leg room.

Q: What do you say to a blonde with no arms and no legs?
A: "Nice tits!"

Q: What do you call two nuns and a blonde?
A: Two tight ends and a wide receiver.

Q: Why are men and like spray paint?
A: One squeeze and they're all over you.

Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A: Wiped his ass.

Q: Why are men like laxatives?
A: They irritate the shit out of you.

Q: What's the difference between a g-spot and a golf ball?
A: A man will spend 20 minutes looking for a golf ball.

Q: Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?
A: His wife died.

Q: How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party?
A: The cake jumps out of the girl.

Q: How do you recycle toilet paper?
A: Hang it on the wall and bash the shit out of it.

Q: What is the difference between tampons and mobile phones ?
A: Mobile phones are for assholes.

Q: How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
A: Put a nipple on it.

Q: Why are women like Kentucky Fried Chicken?
A: 'Cos once you're finished with the breasts and the thighs all you are left with is a greasy box to put your bone in!!

Q: What do you call the inanimate tissue around a vagina?
A: A woman.

Q: If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
A: Made her chain too long.

Q: Did you hear about the new blonde paint?
A: It's not real bright, but it's cheap, and spreads easy.

Q: What's the difference between the Rolling Stones and a Scotsman?
A: One says "Hey, you, get off of my cloud."
The other says, "Hey, McCloud, get off of my ewe."

Q: Why do women have arms?
A: Have you any idea how long it would take to LICK a bathroom clean?

Q: What's the difference between a blimp and a thousand used condoms?
A: One's a Goodyear, the other's a damn good year!

Q: What is the difference between looking for a lost golf ball and Lady Godiva?
A: The former is a hunt on the course.....

Q: How many women does it take to paint a wall?
A: Depends on how hard you throw them.

Q: Why are women so bad at mathematics?
A: Because men keep telling them that this |<---------------------->| is 12 inches.

Q: Why do women call it P.M.S.???
A: Because the term "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.

Q: Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A: They don't have time.

Q: What goes: "CLICK -is that it? CLICK -is that it? CLICK -is that it?"
A: A blind person with a rubix cube.

Q: Did you hear about the "guilty nanny diet?"
A: A few healthy shakes for breakfast & lunch and a vegi for dinner.

Q. What do you call a woman making a clay pot and balancing 12 pint of Guinness on her head?
A. Beertricks Potter

Q: What should you do if your girlriend starts smoking?
A: Slow down. And possibly use a lubricant.

Q. Whats the most active muscle in a woman?
A. A penis!

Q. Whats brown and sits on a wall?
A. Humpty Dump.

Q. What do you call kinky sex with chocolate?
A. S&M&M

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 lbs

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes

Q: How are women and rocks alike?
A: You skip the flat ones.

Q: What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Humpme Dumpme

Q: What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A: A battery has a positive side

Q: What's the best thing about Alzheimer's disease?
A: You get to meet new people every day.

Q: What's the difference between Christopher Reeves and OJ Simpson?
A: Christopher Reeves got the electric chair!.... and O.J walked!

Q. What's the hardest thing about eating a vegetable?
A. Getting her out of the wheelchair!

Q. What do you call six lepers in a hot tub?
A. Porridge.

Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A: Ask your mother.

Q: What is "Endless Love"?
A: Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder playing tennis

Q: Why do women fake orgasm?
A: Because men fake foreplay!

Q: What do electric toy trains and breasts have in common?
A: They're usually intended for the children, but it's the husbands who end up playing with them!

Q: What do you have when you've got 2 little balls in your hand?
A: A man's undivided attention.

Q. What do you call a dog with real short legs and steel testicles?
A. Sparky.

Q. Why did God give men penises?
A. So we'd always have at least one way to shut a woman up!

Q. What's the difference between a man buying a lottery ticket and a man fighting with his wife?
A. A man has a chance at winning at the lottery.

Q. What does a female snail say during sex?
A. Faster, faster, faster!

Q. What is the noisiest thing in the world?
A. Two skeletons screwing on a tin roof.

Q. Define "Egghead:"
A. What Mrs. Dumpty gives to Humpty.

Q. How can you tell if you have acne?
A. If the blind can read your face.

Q. Did you know they just discovered a new use for sheep in New Zealand?
A. Wool!

Q. What do you say to a virgin when she sneezes?
A. Goes-in-tight!

Q. How do you know when you are getting old?
A. When you start having dry dreams and wet farts.

Q. What's the definition of a Yankee?
A. Same thing as a ''quickie'', only you do it yourself.

Q. What do Disney World Viagra have in common?
A. They both make you wait an hour for a two minute ride.

Q. Why is it called a Wonder Bra?
A. When she takes it off, you wonder where her tits went.

Q. Why don't women blink during foreplay ?
A. They don't have time.

Q. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize 1 egg ?
A. They don't stop for directions.

Q. Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?
A. He decided to stick it out for one more year!

Q. Barking dog at the back door wanting in and your wife's yelling at the front wanting in. Which one do you let in?
A. The dog, once he's in, he shuts up!

Q: How do you know when your wife is really dead?
A: Your sex life is the same but your washing pile gets bigger.

Q. How do you turn a fox into an elephant
A. Marry it.

Q. How do you make five pounds of fat look good?
A. Give it a nipple.

Q. What do you call two lesbians in a canoe?
A. Fur traders.

Q. What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
A. A cherry float.

Q. What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common?
A. They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed.

Q. How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
A.When his hand caught on fire.

Q. What did Adam say to Eve?
A. Stand back, I don't know how big this thing gets!

Q. How do you say 69 in Chinese?
A. Twocanchew (two can chew).

Q. How do you teach a blond math?
A. Subtract her clothes, divide her legs, and square root her.

Q. What's the last thing Tickle Me Elmo receives before he leaves the factory?
A. Two test tickles

Q. Did you hear Cher is joining the spice girls?
A. They're going to call her Old Spice.

Q. What do you do when your dishwasher stops working?
A. Yell at her.

Q. What do women and police cars have in common?

A. They both make a lot of noise to let you know they are coming.

Q. Why do female skydivers wear jock straps?
A. So they don't whistle on the way down.

Q. Why do women have 2% more brains then a cow?
A. So, when you pull their tits they won't shit on the floor.

Q. Why can't women read maps?
A. Because only the male mind can comprehend the concept of 1 inch equals a mile.

Q. What's a virgin and a balloon have in common ?
A. All it takes is one prick and its all over.

Q. Why did God create alcohol?
A. So ugly people would have a chance to have sex.

Q. What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman?
A. Sexual harassment.

Q. What does a bull do to stay warm on a bitterly cold day?
A. He goes into the barn and slips into a nice warm "Jersey"

Q. What do you call an open can of tuna in a lesbians apartment?
A. Potpourri

Q. I married Miss Right.
A. I just didn't know her first name was "Always."

Q. Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
A. When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.

Q. How do you know when your cat's done cleaning himself?
A. He's smoking a cigarette.

Q. Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
A. He worked it out with a pencil.

Q. Three words to ruin a man's ego...
A. "Is it in?"

Q. What is the cheapest meat?
A. Deer balls, there under a buck.

Q. What's in the toilet of the star ship enterprise?
A. The captains log.

Q. What do you call a woman with her tongue sticking out?
A. A lesbian with a hard-on.

Q. Did you hear they came out with a new lesbian shoe?
A. They're called Dikes. They have an extra long tongue and only take one finger to get off!

Q. How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?
A. One of his fingers is clean.

Q. Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
A. So men can be open minded.

Q. Have you heard about the new 'Mint flavored birth control pill for women that they take immediately before sex?
A. They're called 'Predickamints'

Q. What is the difference between a golf ball and a g-spot?
A. Men will spend two hours searching for a golf ball.

Q. What's the difference between a toad and a horny toad?
A. One goes "ribbit" the other goes "rub it".'

Q. Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
A. He died laughing before he could tell anybody.

Q. What's the difference between Mad Cow disease and PMS?
A. Nothing.

Q. Why does the bride always wear white?
A. Well aren't all kitchen appliances that colour?

Search Engine Optimization and Free Submission

Please feel free to send any comments to me Steven Carrett